Based on a sentence originally spoken by Peter Haynes

The Adventure Begins...


You just woke up from the most wonderful dream!

All the ice cream you could eat, and you weren't lactose intolerant anymore!

But it was just a dream, your body still hates you, and wouldn't you know it, You went and slept like an idiot. Your neck is hurtin' for certain, and your spine is twisted like a damn pretzel. You quickly turn to glance at the clock! which was not only foolish on account of you JUST realizing your neck hurts, But worse yet, You only have five minutes before your shift starts at the Massage Parlor!


Yes, That's right, You probably thought you were the one getting a massage, But No!

That's YOUR dumb job, and now you have to do it with a dumb neck, and a dumb spine that even a mother couldn't love.


You get up and...


Alright, Cool.

So you head out the door full speed, Completely naked, Because that's how you slept.

Thirty-seven minutes and one ticket for exposure later, you arrive at "Nubby's Splat & Pat" Massage parlor.

You place your hand on the door knob, and turn slowly, white knuckled, Eyes shut tight, preparing to be ridiculed for being both late & far too naked for work at an authentic massage parlor.

The door slowly creeps open to a silent room. your left eyelid lifts to reveal an empty lobby.

You step inside, closing the door behind you. 

You walk over to the reception desk, as you go to take a look behind, A BLOODY HAND SWINGS OVER TOP AND GRABS YOU ON THE SHOULDER!

It's Sasha, the desk girl.

She is covered in blood, and missing an eye. She coughs up some blood & begins to speak quietly into your ear.


"The Goblins are back, *cough* Nubby's treasure is left unguarded."


And with that, she falls to the desk, dead...and then slowly slides off the desk.



Okay, The End.

Good Call.

Like seriously, Holy Shit.

Were they expecting you to do something about the treasure?

You've worked at the parlor for maybe two months, And it's minimum wage. 




You go home, put on some cartoons, fix a quick bowl of cereal, and go right back to bed! 


I mean, you should probably call the police, But Jesus Christ, I'm not going to blame you for sleeping this one off at the moment


You have a difficult time getting to sleep, but eventually, it happens.

You dream of Ice cream, Rainbows, Puppies, and your Dead Friend SASHA!







You go across the hall, and enter the washroom.

You turn the shower to hot, then back, A bit too much and now it's cold, you adjust it back again until it's just right and step inside. The water is perfectly warm, you have a quick shower pee, shampoo your hair into a Mohawk, get perfectly clean, and hop out.

You head back to your room and put on your Sunday best, and odd choice for Friday.

You head BACK to the washroom, Brush your teeth, and you are So God DAMN Late!

Seriously, Do you have absolutely no sense of urgency?

Or do you just not care?

Whatever, You head downstairs and grab an apple or something, before heading out to your car.

By the time you make it to "Nubby's Splat & Pat" massage parlor, it's more than an hour past the start of your shift, I hope you have a good excuse for not calling ahead of time.

As you step inside, you notice something seems a little off.

The parlor is not only silent, but completely empty.

As you walk in further, you begin to see something on the wall behind the reception desk.

You step even closer, to see the words "THE GOBLINS HAVE RETURNED" decorating the wall...IN BLOOD!

Your friend, and co-worker, Sasha, lay upon the floor below it, a small knife protruding from her chest. She looks up to you, and with labored breath, she quietly murmurs "The treasure *cough* it's *cough, cough* unguarded, there was nothing I could...could..." 



...She's gone.

And the door to the basement appears left open. 


You make the decision to bravely not call the police, but instead, wander passed the murdered woman, further into the building.

You push the basement door to a full open, and cautiously proceed down the stairs.

The air is extremely cold (Mostly on account of you being naked) you begin to see a faint glow of light coming from the far end of the basement floor.

As you reach the bottom, you see four figures about thirty feet forward, standing near the wall opposite of you.

Swiftly, and quietly, you hide behind a nearby stack of boxes to avoid being seen, as you look over.

Three green creatures dressed in shabby attire, slightly more than two feet tall, stand in front of what appears to be a man tied to a chair.


The fat one steps closer toward the man, and speaks...

"Listen here Nubby!"

He says with a throaty voice

"My patience is starting to wear thin. You just tell me and the boys where the treasure is, And we'll leave you unharmed, understand?"

He hops up onto Nubby's lap and rips a strip of duct tape off his mouth.

Nubby coughs frantically for a second, before spitting in the fat goblins face, and speaking back.

"You'll never get the treasure Fats, So long as I have breath in my body"

Fats wipes the spit off his face, and stares at his palm for second before replying.

"Well, if that's how it is, I guess that's how it is."


He quickly takes a gun out of his back pocket, and shoots Nubby right in the Face!

*BLAM!*    *BLAM!*    *BLAM!*    *BLAM!*    *BLAM!*


"Somebody clean up this trash!"

Fats says, as he hops off Nubbys headless corpse.

"Search the Floor, The treasure has to be here somewhere!"


You make the decision to bravely not call the police, but instead, wander passed the murdered woman, further into the building.

You push the basement door to a full open, and cautiously proceed down the stairs.

You begin to see a faint glow of light coming from the far end of the basement floor.

Because the lights are left on.

The lights were left on by whoever killed Sasha, most likely Goblins, remember that bloody message on the wall upstairs?

Guess what! Your boss is dead also.

Yeah, Nubby. He's tied to a chair with a fucking bullet hole through his skull.

Who knows, maybe that's the kind of thing you could have prevented if you actually tried to get here earlier.

But no, you woke up late and just took your fucking time like a moron.

Try having some god damn respect for your job, your behavior pisses me off beyond belief.


Listen, I'm going to do you a favor by letting you start the day over.

Don't dick around this time, alright?


*BLAM!*   *BLAM!*   *BLAM!*   *BLAM!*


Now there's a naked dead person in the basement as well.

The End.

You crouch low to the ground and quietly move out from behind the boxes.

You press up against the wall, and head toward the goblins, taking cover behind more boxes, pillars, and various objects along the way.

You reach the end of the room, and jump out! striking a heroic pose.

One of the goblins recoils in fear


He shrieks, quickly moving his gaze away from your naked body.

"I'm sorry boss" He says, looking toward Fats.

"They certainly caught me off guard" 


...An awkward silence fills the air, it lingers for a while, until Fats slowly approaches you.

He looks you up and down, cringing first, then leaning slightly to look behind you.

"So, uuuuhh..." He murmurs quietly, before clearing his throat & speaking in a more assertive tone, looking you in the eyes.

"Are there more of you?"

You stand posed with your fists clenched in the air, you move your eyes back and forth across the room, and eventually nod your head slowly, your lips pressed tightly together.

"Alright" He says.

"I will take that as a hard no. Did you bring a gun, or a knife...something, anything?"

He tosses the gun off to the side, and lets out a small laugh, taking a step toward you, a disgusting grin stretched across his face.

"I've raped & killed men twice your size!"


*You burp in fear*


"Look at you. You come down here, not even holding a baseball bat, You have no backup, You are COMPLETELY Naked!"


"What were you thinking!?"



What The Fuck?

...Dude, No.

Don't rape people, or goblins for that matter. I shouldn't have to tell you that.

He's a bad dude, I get it, But Jesus Christ. 

I would advise against killing him also, but your life is in danger, that much I get.

Take a second to think about your life choices, then let me know when you are ready to proceed.


You turn around and walk away.

You make it about two feet before Fats runs in-front of you.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?"

He says, looking at you with shrugged shoulders.

"You just witnessed a murder, you think we're just going to let you leave?"

A Fair Point

Fats closes his hands into fists, & spits on the ground in-front of you.

"You're Dead Pal, You're dead and you know it."

A crazed look fills your eyes.

Your fists tighten & shake, You begin to drool.

Fats takes a step back, raising his hands in-front of himself with open palms.

"Hey, we're cool. How about we just go our separate ways and call it a day?"

He says quietly in a panicked tone.

But there is no turning back!

You rush towards Fats and starting dishing out punch after punch!

The other two goblins flee, but you don't stop hitting Fats.

You know he is dead, But you refuse to stop until his face is nothing more than a bloody paste, & your knuckles hit the concrete.


(Probably all that built up rapist energy of yours)


You rise victorious! 

managing to best the small, weak, unarmed foe.


Your look over to your clenched fist, and watch as it tightens.

You hear Fats voice taunting you, you see his mouth moving, but only allow the sound that escapes it to be a whisper in the back of your mind, before it fades to complete silence.

Your perception of reality is changing, as time itself, appears to have slowed around you.

You hear only a triumphant orchestra, angels sing!

You feel a light glowing within your chest.

You were destined to be Victorious This Day!

You take a step forward as you draw your fist back! 

And then, in one glorious motion, you drop to a knee, as you bring your fist towards the small, out of shape goblins face.

His body crumples, now motionless on the ground.


...blood begins to pool around his skull.


...Holy shit. I think you killed him.


The remaining two goblins flee, you can hear one crying.

Fats was absolutely bluffing, He was super brittle.

Your hand doesn't even hurt, it was like punching a cat.



There is no treasure.

"Nubby's treasure" is his brand of massage oil, You know this, You work here.

Come to think of it, I don't know why Nubby didn't tell them that.

He'd probably still be alive if he did.

Who knows, He was old, maybe he wanted to go out with a laugh.

But You!

You absolutely should have told them that, it might have saved some blood shed.

I'm pretty sure I can hear sirens outside, Good luck explaining this one to the police.

No worries, I'm sure a nude massage therapist will be very popular in prison.


You Vomit.

You Vomit, & vomit, & vomit some more.

Minutes go by, you have never felt this sick.

After managing to catch your breath, you look over to see the small dead goblins lifeless body, his head smashed in like a watermelon.

And wouldn't you know it, More Vomit.

Your vision begins to blur, and eventually, everything fades to black.

When you finally regain consciousness, You are in the most gorgeous room!

Fats is alive, So is Nubby, & Sasha!


They shout, as confetti & balloons fall from the ceiling.

Bizarre as it may seem, this all feels very familiar.

A chill runs down your spine, a literal chill, not a figurative one.


Fats says, with a sinister grin.

As you slowly begin to turn around, you can can hear Nubby reply to Fats

"Why of course he is, The room is full isn't it?"

You come to a complete turn, the room is indeed full.


No, It couldn't be. IT WAS A DREAM!


"All The Ice Cream You Can Eat!"

They chant behind you!

"All The Ice Cream You Can Eat!"

"All The Ice Cream You Can Eat!"

"All The Ice Cream You Can Eat!"

You Blaze through the basement door!

Unfortunately, that first step is a real doozy, & you totally miss it.

You spin forward, smashing face first into a lower step.

You roll down multiple stairs, but somehow manage to gather yourself & stand up.

Before twisting your ankle and rolling down more stairs!

You feel your arms break, & then your legs!

This is a really long stair case.

You start rolling so fast, that you actually begin bounce. making the following stairs even more painful.

You eventually arrive at the basement floor in a crumpled heap.



The End.



You lower your arms, & loosen your fists.

You look at the other two goblins, knives drawn, their little hands & knees shaking.

You direct your vision back to Fats, and speak.

"What's wrong" you ask.

Fats looks confused, and lets out an awkward chuckle.


He says, breaking eye contact, looking off to the side.

"Aside from a naked idiot trying to ruin my plans?"

You notice a sadness in his his eyes, and ask him once more.

"What's wrong?"  

Fats lower lip begins to quiver.

"Nothing" He says with a cracked voice.

He takes a deep breath, & clears his throat before speaking again.

"She left me, Alright! She left me and the boys" 

He gestures over to the other goblins.

"Look at these boys! I don't know how to take care of these boys! These are good boys, and I... I mean look at me, looking for an old man's treasure in a massage parlor basement, God I feel stupid"

He wipes a tear from his face.

"I just want them to have a life you know? ...I don't want them to end up like me"

The two goblins run up and hug their father.

Fats holds them tight, he smiles, tears racing down his cheeks.

"But you know something?" he says, looking at you once again

"I think I have all the treasure we need right here"

You smile back, & give Fats a nod, and leave the three of them.

You reach the bottom of the stairs, looking back to see a happy father playing & laughing with his kids.

You head back up, push a filing cabinet in-front of the basement door, And use the company phone to report the murders.


The End